Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
