oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
