My sheets look like a crime scene.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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