Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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