his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
