For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
