I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
