I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
