:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
