I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
