The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
