Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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