Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
