went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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