yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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