it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
