I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
