i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
