I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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