id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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