I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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