my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
