the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
