Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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