I want to stick my p in your. b.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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