I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
