Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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