I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Drunk is not a location!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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