Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize