whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have aggressive nipples.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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