I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
