Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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