dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
