after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
