eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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