then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
