doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
