I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
