Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
