omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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