soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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