this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
