I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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