it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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