There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize