My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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