just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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