you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
