I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
