he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sorry about my life...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
