I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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