I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
