Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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