I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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