i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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