sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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