This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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