I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
